Update on Ryan Nugent-Hopkins’ Stupid Horse

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In 2011, a young boy named Ryan knelt before his majesty Kevin Lowe, Duke of the 6 Rings and pledged eternal loyalty while at the same time getting a big dump of cash. After buying a new wardrobe from Old Navy, young Nugey did what any hot blooded, testosterone fuelled, teenage male would do. He bought a pony.

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Her name was Zenya, and every day that summer after training, young Ryan would wait in the parking lot of the YMCA for his mom to pick him up. She would drive him to the stable where he would run out of the minivan, and into the barn. Zenya would whinny and Ryan would wrap his scrawny little arms around her. He would lovingly brush her and sing to her until the summer sun set. The two would walk together down to the dugout, swimming and splashing together, but at the sound of the horn from his mom’s 2007 honda odyssey, RNH would kiss his pony goodbye and with a heavy heart he would hop in the van, and go home and eat his chicken nuggets and chocolate milk. As summer turned into fall, Ryan would spend less time with his beloved filly and as losing hockey games took up more and more of his time, the young horse and boy were separated, with Ryan stuck in Edmonton not winning hockey games, and the horse in vancouver, also not winning hockey games.

In summer of 2014, an older RNH and his pony were able to spend a little more time together after a surprisingly short NHL season. DVD, reportedly a writer for the Edmonton Sunshine Girl Magazine, did up a quick story on the horse which got some attention, but like most writers, he never bothered to follow up. Luckily, I’m a better writer so i dug up the records for Zenya in her rookie 2014 race season and for comparison’s sake, i looked at her performance vs. Ryan Nugent-Hopkin’s rookie year. The results are below.

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Well, both of these athletes had an acceptable rookie campaign, each with their own strengths in certain areas. For example,Zenya fell well short of RNH in terms of goals and assists, while Ryan did not compete in as many thoroughbred races as the filly.

However, Zenya definitely outperformed RNH in terms of what she was able to accomplish in her off-season workouts. Under trainer Barbara Heads and jockey Amadeo Perez, Zenya was able to enter the season in great shape. Her 1200 lbs was over 6 times RNH’s weight despite being close to the same height. This continues to be a major weakness of Ryan’s. If i were Coach Nelson, I would be talking to Barbara and trying to see what elements of her training program I could incorporate into Ryan’s regime. It is likely that if RNH is serious about gaining weight, he will need to increase his oats intake and likely switch to a higher nutrition, alfalfa-based hay.

In a large surprise, Zenya actually outperformed RNH in one hockey stat, +/-. Either this indicates that that stat is largely useless, or perhaps Zenya should be looked at as a replacement to Luke Gazdic on the 4th line.

It is also important to remember that Nugent-Hopkins is now in his 4th professional season, while Zenya is just coming off her first. However the horse racing industry is different than hockey. If a horse went 4 years without finishing anywhere near the top half of any race, she’d be sent to the glue factory. In hockey however, repeated failures are ok, and justify increased ticket prices. A tank in the horse racing industry would be the equivalent of shooting your horse, claiming horse insurance and then buying another horse which would have to be fed and trained for another 3 years before it could be expected to race competitively.

 Though the two athletes are pretty similar as shown above, RNH continues to be surrounded by far more horseshit than, ironically, an actual horse.

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Sunday, Monday, Happy Days!

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It seems like coloured (is that politically correct?) commentators spend a considerable amount of time detailing stupidly specific facts when it comes to team’s records. They can tell you the last January where a team scored under 1.5 goals/game or the last time a player scored a shorthanded goal against a certain goalie in a certain arena. But these things are all dumb, because they don’t really provide any way for a team to improve. However, I’ve run a statistical analysis that will help the Oilers improve in Year 1 of Our Holy Saviour Lord McDavid. Specifically, I looked at each day of the week and calculated an average points per game scoring for each day. The results are shown below.

Sunday – 0.57 points/game

Monday – 1.5 points/game

Tuesday – 0.38 points/game

Wednesday – 0.8 points/game

Thursday – 0.57 points/game

Friday – 1.0 points/game

Saturday – 0.43 points/game

Very interesting. Obviously this shows tremendous hope for the Oilers. If every game they played was scheduled on a Monday, they’d be rolling right along on their way to a 123 point season. Well done Craig! However, it does point out weaknesses in the Oilers as well. Here they are:

-Too many Wing Wednesdays. If they Oilers are anything like me, then they probably go out for wings and beer most wednesdays. They start with something mild, but after a few beers they’re begging for the spiciest shit the bar has. By the time they’re 48 wings deep, the first winds of cayenne and habanero are knocking on their assholes already. This naturally leads to a morning after of shits, burns, and tears which contribute to their poor record on Thursdays. Now obviously the coaches can’t ask them to stop going for wings, they’d be real dicks if they did. Instead its up to training staff to step up. They need to make sure that the players have adequate ranch dressing, dairy-based beverages, immodium pills, breadsticks and the proper toilet paper to minimize the impact that hot wings have on their game performance. This is clearly a deficiency on the team, one that management must surely be aware of. If things don’t improve dramatically in the very near future, you can expect the head trainer to be released.

-More Jesus. Presumably, the Oilers team is an upstanding group of god-fearing gentlemen who attend church every sunday. After their prayer stuff and cracker eating, wine drinking activities they seem to perform much better the following day. Obviously the man upstairs is a copper and blue fan. To improve their record, I would suggest that the Oilers attend church every day of the week. This may necessitate them hiring a traveling reverend. They may have to set up makeshift churches in the parking lots of opponents’ arenas on road trips. While this may seem unconventional, keep in mind that nachos at hockey games was largely unheard of before the mid 70s. We could even have a local minister lead grace before the game, have stoppages for prayer during goals by the opposing teams and seek out and remove heretics from the game before it begins. The Oilers have an opportunity to lead the league in a new, holy direction.

-Saturdays are pretty bad. I wonder what could be going on Friday nights that would lead to this? Hmm…. I guess its a mystery.

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-Even worse are Tuesdays. I have a hunch about this, but if I’m right, it indicates a huge conspiracy by the NHL to thwart the Oilers.

1 divided by 7 = 14%. That’s the ideal proportion of total games a team should play on each night of the weak (7 days in a week, got it?). However, the Oilers have played 25% of their games on Tuesdays, their losingest night of the week! Furthermore, they only play on 7.8% of mondays, their best nights. What bullshit. Oilers fans and management deserve immediate apologies and reparations from Barry Gettman! This is a total and blatant attempt to continue the Oiler’s losing ways. Now I’ve heard that Daryl Katz shed a LOT of hair on Barry’s new tiger-skin sofa the last time he was over for a caviar-burger and liquor party, but thats a grudge he’ll just have to let go.

To all my readers, you’re welcome. It is my joy to constantly produce new content from the leading helm of the hackey analstistical movement. Any thank you cards you wish to send me should be left under windshield wiper of the red ’92 civic in the parking lot of the Burger Baron on 118th. If you want to buy clean piss talk puck with me come in and order a super donair with the special Baron burger sauce and I’ll crawl over and say hi. Unless you’re Doug. You’ll stay the fuck away from me Doug if you know what’s good for you and that cat of yours.

Oilers’ Success as a Product of Hair

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You’ve probably heard the phrase, “The hair makes the man.”

Unless you’re bald, in which case you’ve probably heard, “Oh yeah, i uh, like that clean look, its real cool,” or more likely “Get out of the way cue ball, you’re blinding my kid.”

Anyhow, I’ve noticed a pattern in recent years within the Oilers’ clusterfuck   organization. As this team maintains its terrible ways, the hair of those in charge remains fucky to say the least. In this blog, I will examine the historical significance of hair on the success of the Oilers teams we’ve known and sometimes loved.


The Lustrous Years

aaaawayne-gretzky-mullet

whoah, anyone else feeling moist? look at those long flowing locks. Like a lion’s mane, Gretzky’s majestic head of hair symbolized the fierce competitiveness and masculinity of a dynasty. Is there any comparable in this day and age? Nothing even close. There could be no losing with this head of hair at the helm of the Oilers. Even the hair of those behind the bench and way upstairs was outstanding. Mr. Pocklington, think of him what you may, had an outstanding scalp-crop, matched by a brilliant set of face pubes. Powerful, intimidating, maybe a little dickish, but it got shit done. Sather may have been the weak point of this age. Behind a bench of MacTavishes, Gretzkys and Messiers, his coif was not up to par, but it was enough. The simple, but thick and slick dad cut, with the sweaty whisps in front inspired a generation of young players to give everything they had for their city.

aaaapeter-pocklington aaa glen sather


Transitions

Over the next 20 years, many fine heads of hair would leave our ice blown hellhole beautiful city in search of warmer pillows to rest upon. The final blow came just last season, as the last great hockey headed man-god Ryan Smyth would leave us. This was the start of the darkest days.

 Edmonton Oilers v Ottawa Senators


Today

Look at these fucking goofballs. Just look at them. If you were hiring for the drive through window at Arby’s would you give any of them a second chance? They are all professionals, making more money than any person should, but for some reason none of them can be bothered to pop into a Tommy Gun’s for a quick trim.

  aaaaaamactavish_craig

Craig still hints of a once great head of hair, but like an aging TV weatherman (cough, mike sobel, cough) he’s chose to overtrim and overgel to hide the increasing thinning. It’s sad, a better man would have kept the mullet. He should wear his dusty, split end, dry old locks down to his shoulders with pride and confidence. Instead he stands weak and beaten.

aaaaaadallasDallas Eakins, out the door but needed to be mentioned here. He rocked the Snape look pretty hard in his time here. Greasy gross matted bunches of tear stained fibres, the look of a man consumed and defeated. Unlike Snape though, Eakins was never redeemed. There will never be a child named Dallas Ralph Yakupov.

aaaataylor-hall-hockey-headshot-photoEdmonton Oilers headshots

Hall and Ebs. Over 6 million a year, and they still get their moms to do their hair. Ebs looks like he’s permanently prepared for his grade 4 school picture, not a man. Just a joke. Hall looks a little grown up. Sorta like a 15 year old loser who thinks long hair is cool, but his mom doesn’t, so they compromise on some awkward in-between mess. It doesn’t go well with the sheer punchability of his dumb face. These are not leaders in hair, not by any means. And if a team fails to have hair leadership, then what do they have? Nothing. That’s what.

aaaaakatzNext, the big man himself. Worth however many billions he’s worth Daryl think’s he’s entitled to as much airspace as he needs. Like somehow, his hair is worth more than the poor working class and deserves more room. (Note that I won’t make fun of his kid here, kids are allowed to look fucky.) Daryl thinks his hair makes him look powerful and imposing, but he comes off like a dirty old street dog, with barbecue sauce and shit stains in his fur. Be better Daryl.

Oilers-Todd Nelson.jpgNelson looks like he was 17 year old kid who was way too into Magic the gathering, and grews his goatee out to look sophisticated as he sat on his computer debating atheism on 4chan, but recently got kicked out of the house and had to work as a used car salesman and has done nothing to change his appearance except wear the suits that his large dead uncle left behind before dying from a heart attack at a vegas blackjack table.

aaamacgregor2Finally, MacGregor. “Come on!!! Come on!!!” He looks like he’s gonna truffle shuffle across the draft floor, while deceiving himself that his hair isn’t slowly receding and thinning and falling off in patches as he cries over his mistakes in the shower and the path of acting that he didn’t take.

Come on!

aaaachunk

In summary, the Oilers are bad because of a lot of reasons. The pathetic state of hair in the organization is obviously a major contributing factor, one that is perhaps too often overlooked. This needs to be addressed across all levels. Luckily, all the hair that Kevin Lowe lacks, Bob Nicholson makes up for.

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Like a finely aged Anderson Cooper, a sexy silver fox, Bob’s the hair leader we need. I feel confident that he will be the right guy to weed out the thin, the ill-styled, the lice ridden and the balding. From drafting, to free agency and trades, i believe hair will become a larger focus of the organization as a whole. Once this happens, its obvious that this team will finally begin to right itself.

-ConAir McDavid

Jersey Numbers, an Advanced Stats Perspective

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So advanced stats have pretty well been beat to death right? We all know corsi and fenwick, and… well thats pretty much all i know. Advanced stats are hard and take time to read. But I’ve developed a new ratings system to evaluate players based on 2 of their most visible numbers, numbers that have to my knowledge never been compared before. To do this, I ran a careful analysis of jersey numbers compared to point production. The results are graphed below.

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Or maybe beside? Above?, idk. I’m still learning this whole wordpress thing. But anyhow, the results are pretty conclusive.

What I find fascinating about this is the following: nearly everything in hockey can be correlated to something else, there always seems to be a connection between points, possession, age, etc, etc, etc. However, in this instance there was almost no connection at all. The line of best fit was nearly flat for the team’s 52 game Jersi number indicating little influence on point production.

Amazing.

Despite this data being a pile of shit, there are still several interesting points to consider:

– Keith Aulie and Luke Gazdic are putting up respectable numbers for NHL goaltenders. Somebody get them some pads and they’ll be far more useful than they currently are.

-Jeff Petry leads the team with a stellar 5.5 points/number ratio (Jersi). The Oilers need to make sure that they get a solid return for him at the deadline.

-Everyone made a big deal about the fact that Yak changing numbers wasn’t that big a deal. However, his 1.3 Jersi is way ahead of the 0.2 he would have posted had he stayed with 64. If this trend continues, I expect we’ll begin to see his true potential.

-Scrivens and Fasth are both putting up disappointing Jersis. I’m not sure if we have a true NHL starter between the two of them.

-The team average Jersi is 1.14. Of the players looked at today, 13 sit below that number. Players like Frasier, Nicki Nicki, and Fayne need to start putting up more points or switching to a lower jersey number if they want to stay in this league.

-Despite having similar point production, Nuge does so while carrying a far larger number on his back than both Eberle and Hall. This strengthens my belief that he is the most valuable player on this team.

-As the season progresses, each player’s point total is likely to increase, while most of their jersey numbers should hold constant. This means that the team’s Jersi numbers are likely to continue to increase under Coach Todd “Patrick Schwaaaayze” Nelson.

Thank you all for reading, (except for some of you. you know who you are and you can fuck right off) I know i have lots to learn about hockey blogging and stuff, but i hope you’ll all continue to support me.

-ConAir McDavid

Sup Pricks?

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Hey all.

So a while ago, (back before the greater successful blogger v. newspaper blogger spat of 2015) the great Wanye Gretz (rhymes with Kanye West, haha) put up a great big inspiring post about how important it is to have more bloggers to cover the shit team that is the Edmonton Oilers. I’ve always wanted to do it, and fuck I’m pretty smart so i figure i could be the next Tyrone Dowel or whatever. But the thing is, the Oilers are a really shitty team, with a shitty building and shitty management and a shitty everything else. So why the fuck should my blog be anything less? I promise, dear readers, that the quality of this blog will correlate directly with the quality of this team. On that you have my word.

Please check in often for informative advanced stats and opinions, hockey and otherwise.